Having been in and around the rooms for a little while I heard all the suggestions. Ninety meetings in ninety days, get a sponsor, work the steps, get a homegroup, stay out of relationships...etc. Like many, I am not a white chip wonder, so each time I relapsed I would come back and take another one of these suggestions and try staying sober. This last time trying to get sober and stay sober I had tried everything but working the steps and staying out of relationships for the 1st year so I took both suggestions. Needless to say I'm still sober.
After working the steps and doing everything I needed to do in order to make a good foundation for my recovery, I started wishing I had a woman in my life. But, I had faith in my higher power and knew that when the time was right he would put one in my life. A month or so later I happened to hang out with a woman who I had seen around and developed a crush on over 8 months ago. I was surprised, delighted, excited, and nervous all at the same time. I got her number and started to talk to her periodically and eventually I got the courage up to ask her out on a date. She said yes. But, not only did she have a lot more sober time than I did, she was also significantly older than me. In turn, I was very intimidated before I even asked her out. Also, this was the first time dating without the crutch of alcohol and drugs. The first date was a wreck. Well, I guess it couldn't of gone that terribly because I did get a second date. However, on the inside I was a disaster. I couldn't slow down my racing thoughts. I was so nervous about what she thought of me that I was over analyzing my every move. The whole time I was physically present, but my mind was 3 hours or sometimes even 3 months in the future! It provided a lot of extra stress in my life not only when going out on the date with her but after it too. After the first few dates with this woman I realized that I did care about her but I was obsessing over her and starting to focus on her more than I was on myself and my program. Luckily, I have a great support group that called me out and helped me get out of my own head.
Since then I've went on a few dates and it gets a little easier each time. But, I've accepted that dating and having relationships in recovery is something that will always give me anxiety even with a strong program and faith in my higher power. Looking back on my dating experiences I see why no relationships for the first year is such a good suggestion. I started dating and investing my time in building a relationship with a woman with a small amount of time under my belt and I still almost drove myself insane. I couldn't imagine what It would of been like trying to forge a relationship when I was new in recovery. My advice? Stick with yourself for a little bit because the more comfortable you are with yourself the more comfortable you can be with someone else. But, its still going to be tough no matter how much time you have....dating is awkward.
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