Repairing Broken Relationships

In a comment, I had someone ask me if I had any advice on how to go about repairing relationships that were broken during their addiction. The only advice I can give is what I’ve learned from my own (limited) experiences. I’m hoping that you’ll share in the comments any advice you have from your own personal experiences!

We’ve all had relationships broken and destroyed because of our addictions. When we’re addicted, we’re like completely different people, and we’re selfish. We can’t be expected to maintain healthy relationships or hold up our end of a friendship. 

Sometimes we’ve damaged our relationships beyond repair. Other times we’ve done just a little damage. Every single relationship we have is unique, and they all require unique attention. You cannot repair broken relationships together - you have to give individual TLC to each one. 

It’s also important to recognize when a relationship shouldn’t be repaired. It’s common for addicts to develop relationships that are unhealthy or abusive (when I say relationships, I mean romantic OR platonic). It can be difficult to accept that those people shouldn’t be kept around in our lives after we get clean and sober. Severing an unhealthy or abusive relationship is a challenge, but it’s the best thing to do for ourselves and our recovery.

On the other hand, not all relationships CAN be repaired. I’ve had several of these situations in my life. There are some people who were (and still are) great people in my life, but I hurt them enough or let our relationships deteriorate enough that they’re no longer salvageable. It’s easier to let them go then to put up a fight trying to fix things that can never be fully restored. In these cases, I’ve written apologies. I’ve said, “I’m sorry for…” and I’ve left it at that, and it’s up to them if they want to accept it or respond at all.

In saying those apologies, it’s been extremely important for me to have no expectations. You cannot expect anything from anyone else. You cannot control what other people say or do, and expecting anything usually only leads to disappointment. Everyone’s healing process is unique and their own to control. Just because you apologize does not mean that person will accept it or apologize to you back. You may never hear from them again, and you’ll have to find solace in knowing you gave them the apology they deserved from you, which was all you could do.

For other relationships, time is what will heal them. In early recovery, focus on yourself. Get yourself to a stable, healthy place in life before you try to work on your relationships - the importance of that cannot be stressed enough. It’s especially vital to focus on yourself when the other person in a relationship is dealing with addiction issues, too. In that case, it’s a whole other ballgame and perhaps a topic I’ll explore more in the future.

Counseling and therapy - both individually and as partners (friends, family, significant others) - may also be helpful or necessary in order to work past the issues that were created due to your addiction. Recovering is about healing. As long as you’re both willing to put in an honest effort, relationships can be repaired over time.

Lisa M. Hann is a freelance writer and author who specializes in addiction recovery. She holds a B.A. in Journalism from Temple University. She resides in New Jersey with her son. She has been sober since 2010 and is a Caron PA alum. She is the author of "How to Have Fun in Recovery" and "365 Ways to Have Fun Sober" (available in the Kindle store).